Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Looking Death in the eye, and saying, "Who? Me?"

So, I've been having really really bad headaches for a few days now, and went in to see my new doctor for the first time today. (My old doc up and moved to NYC with his boyfriend/partner. Inconsiderate bastard, trying to be happy.) My new doc was recommended by my old doc, so at least there's that.

Doc: "So, tell me about these headaches."

SV: "Well, they're really bad, they feel like a mule kicking me in the back of the head, they've hit every day for about a week now, and they're brought on by me straining. You know, like a difficult bowel movement, or exercise, or [blush] sex. Then they hit really suddenly, and last for hours."

Doc (blanching slightly): "You, uh, don't say."

SV: "Something wrong, Doc?"

Doc: "Have you ever heard of a little thing called an 'aneurysm'? Tell you what, let's get you a CAT scan."

SV: "Next week? Tomorrow?"

Doc: "I'm thinking more like right fucking now." (Makes a phone call.) "Go to this address. They'll see you in a hour. I'll call you tonight with the results. Don't, um, do anything. Strenuous. At all."

SV: "Whatever you say. You're the doctor. By the way, am I going to die?"

Doc: "I don't think so." (Said in the same tone of voice you might say, "I don't think I left the stove on...") "It's been several days since the headaches first started and you didn't call me, you moron, so you'll probably live, because God protects children and dumbshits."

SV: "Well, alright, then. Talk to you tonight. If, you know, I'm alive. Too-doo-loo."

(Journalistic integrity moment - he didn't actually say "fucking," or call me a moron or dipshit. Other than that, it's a pretty accurate transcription.)

Well, the doctor eventually called me at 9pm to let me know that the CAT scan showed... nothing. No swelling. No bleeding. Not a goddamn thing. So, these incredibly painful headaches that lasted for days (but have now almost completely faded away) were caused by nothing at all. Hurray?

Ah, the miracle of the human body, where excrutiating pain can be created out of thin air. However, the principle of karma says that I should expect to be rewarded wtih several days of unexpected, unexplainable mind-blowing pleasure at some point. It's only fair, right? (People sitting close to me at that point may want to move back. I'm just sayin'.)

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